"I wish you the best..."

"I see you driving 'round town with the girl I love
and I'm like,
"FUCK YOU!"
Ooo,ooo,oooo
I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough
I'm like,
"FUCK YOU!
And fuck her too."
I said,
"If I was richer, I'd still be with ya"
Ha, now ain't that some shit?
(Ain't that some shit?)
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best
With a...
"FUCK YOU!"
Ooo,ooo,ooo

Yeah I'm sorry,
I can't afford a Ferrari,
But that don't mean I can't get you there.
I guess he's an Xbox and I'm more Atari,
But the way you play your game ain't fair.
I pity the fool
That falls in love with you
(Oh shit she's a golddigger)
Well
(Just thought you should know nigga)
Oooooooooh
I've got some news for you.
Yeah go run and tell your little boyfriend.

I see you driving 'round town with the girl I love
and I'm like,
"FUCK YOU!"
Ooo,ooo,oooo
I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough
I'm like,
"FUCK YOU!
And fuck her too."
I said,
"If I was richer, I'd still be with ya"
Ha, now ain't that some shit?
(Ain't that some shit?)
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best
With a...
"FUCK YOU!"
Ooo,ooo,ooo

Now I know,
That I had to borrow,
Beg and steal and lie and cheat.
Trying to keep ya,
Trying to please ya.
'Cause being in love with your ass ain't cheap.
I pity the fool
That falls in love with you
(Oh shit she's a golddigger)
Well
(Just thought you should know nigga)
Oooooooooh
I've got some news for you.
Ooh,
I really hate your ass right now.

I see you driving 'round town with the girl I love
and I'm like,
"FUCK YOU!"
Ooo,ooo,oooo
I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough
I'm like,
"FUCK YOU!
And fuck her too."
I said,
"If I was richer, I'd still be with ya"
Ha, now ain't that some shit?
(Ain't that some shit?)
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best
With a...
"FUCK YOU!"
Ooo,ooo,ooo

I see you driving 'round town with the girl I love
and I'm like,
"FUCK YOU!"
Ooo,ooo,oooo
I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough
I'm like,
"FUCK YOU!
And fuck her too."
I said,
"If I was richer, I'd still be with ya"
Ha, now ain't that some shit?
(Ain't that some shit?)
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best
With a...
"FUCK YOU!"
Ooo,ooo,ooo"
-Cee Lo Green, "Fuck You!"

This is spacey, update post. Just letting you know up front.

My life is becoming so much better every single day. I am halfway through the quitting smoking process. I am moving to a different town to be with the my one and only. My precious Audrey is very much on the mend from her surgery.

I had a wonderful holiday season. I had my first "holiday swap" with my beau. I did Thanksgiving with his people and he did Christmas Eve and morning with my family. My nephews are precious, and Christmas was no exception! And I had a wonderful time with his family. He has some really cool cousins!

I have a lot of challenges ahead of me. After quitting smoking, I have to focus on my weight and fitness in a healthy way. I am hoping that the move will help me transition to a normally active lifestyle as I become the lady of the house that I have dreamed about becoming. Also, I am getting to somewhat design the exercise room which is a huge motivator for me!

Closing the door on 2011, I left behind some unhealthy behaviors and also said a silent goodbye to half of my family tree. I am looking for peace now. Serenity is one of my top priorities. Songs like "Fuck You" are great to listen to while I work out any lingering resentment, hurt, and hatred on my heavy bag. I wish no one any harm. I can't waste energy on negative emotions. So, I pick up and move on.

I have learned that I am extremely resilient in some ways, and I heal quickly when I am not terrified of what harmed me in the first place. I will heal, and will start living out a realistic version of my fairytale. I will be living with my Prince Charming, with laundry, cleaning, cooking and being bargain-savvy all rolled in to the package. I am still drawn to worldly things, but I am starting to see the ridiculousness of $879 Prada handbags and just how impractical my dream car (a BMW 5 series) really is. I admire hybrids now. :)

As far as the eating disorder goes, I am still dealing with symptoms while not actively engaging in the disease. It is always there, I think. It is always looking to seize control again. I won't go near a scale and avoid looking at myself in the mirror. I feel a great deal of shame. After a meal, a yogurt, an apple, I think, well, that was ### calories; damn. My lower back has been troubling me which has made even basic cardio difficult, and yoga painful. I feel so lazy for not doing more, but I have been advised to let my back rest. I can try again soon.

I'll try to update again sometime soon, but I am actually busy right now. If something big happens, I am sure I will feel the need to pen my thoughts here.

Much love to my friends.

And to someone special, if you still read:
"And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best
With a...
"FUCK YOU!"
Ooo,ooo,ooo"

Balance

"You were a child
Crawling on your knees toward it
Making momma so proud
But your voice is too loud
We like to watch you laughing
You pick the insects off plants
No time to think of consequences

[Chorus:]
Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanting to be haunted
Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanting to be haunted

The water is warm
But it's sending me shivers
A baby is born
Crying out for attention
Memories fade
Like looking through a fogged mirror
Decisions too
Decisions are made and not bought
But I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot
I guess not...


Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanting to be haunted
Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanting to be haunted."
- MGMT "Kids"

I am really starting to appreciate this new outlook on life that I have given myself. Changing my perspective on what a healthy life is, and changing my view of the world around me has improved my mood substantially overall.

The first thing I did was take a hard look at bulimia (and previous dalliances with anorexia) and what it had done to me or, rather, what I had done to myself. The eating disorder alter ego "Ronina" had coaxed me into a very dark personal hell. I viewed my body with the most degrading and virulent criticism possible. The control I had over what I consumed, and what I expelled, gave me the peace I needed. It also got me positive attention. Comments about how skinny I was made me glow inside, but never for long. My mind would quickly turn a compliment into an insult. I was skinny, but never skinny enough. With bulimia, I was always hiding, always ashamed. Stuffing myself like a pig, I thought, and then kneeling before the toilet to cleanse myself.

I could reflect for a while on the eating disorders, but the important thing is what I have done. Instead of starving myself, I am now starving "Ronina" to death. I no longer feed her with my insecurities, fear, shame, and self-loathing. I ignore that part of me as much as I can, and while I do manage that most of the time, I will occasionally let my eyes critically sweep over my body in the mirror. I still am hard on myself. But not as much.

To clear out the noise of self-hatred and scorn for my body, I fill my day with healthy levels of activity. If I am not exercising, I am reading or writing or watching a movie. I do exercise a lot, but I enjoy food, and I have learned that to enjoy food I have to "earn" it. That may not be the most healthy attitude, but it is a step in the right direction. I no longer wake up wondering what I will eat and purge. I wake up and know what my plan is for the day.

I read a health and fitness magazine each month, and it emphasizes over and over again how important it is to balance food and exercise. I am even more savvy about nutrition and exercise than before. My goal is not to be a society-approved waif, and in the magazine I read you won't find a model-thin wisp draped across a couch. My goal is to be strong, fit, healthy and balanced. I don't have any "fancy" goals yet, like running a 5K or something. I want to build muscle, improve my balance and focus with yoga, and keep improving my cardio.

Yoga has been essential to my current success. It allows me to lengthen and tone my muscles, focus on my breathing, and get in touch with what my body is calling for. I have done it so much now that I am teaching my mom! My ability to balance still needs work, but I cannot let the perfectionist side of me fret over that. It will come to me in time, and with practice.

Not everything is wonderful. I am pretty rigid about my food and exercise still even though it is in healthy amounts. I am stressed about looking for houses with Bryan. Things still get tense between me and the people in my life. I am not as reactive as I used to be, and my moods pass quickly with reason swiftly replacing emotion.

A good start, I'd say. I'm proud of myself.

Appreciating My Body

"Seeing into darkness is clarity.
Knowing how to yield is strength."
-Tao Te Ching

I have come to a point where I am starting to really feel the benefits of my current lifestyle. This is not to say that I haven't wobbled because I have. Eating disorders are not diseases that can be overcome by sheer willpower. Willpower, in my opinion, feeds them and gives them strength to continue sucking away self-esteem, body image, and confidence. Willpower helped me to restrict myself to only one Lean Cuisine a day, and exercise, and watch the pounds fall away at what I now consider to be an alarming rate. That is not my true path, not the way to a balanced, peaceful life.

As I have continued with my yoga practice, I have started generating a mind-body connection that is present throughout my day. As I do cardiovascular exercise, I now notice the muscle groups working together. I feel a quiet joy that I can choose what route I want to take for my daily cardio outdoors, not limited by my body at all. I am starting to feel like I actually own my body, and that it is something I want to take pride in and cherish. I want to nourish it with healthy foods, in the right quantities, and not purge. I feel the muscles in my back and abdomen getting stronger, and notice how I can balance my body better and longer than before. I hardly notice the multitudes of scars from self-injury anymore. They do not matter, really. The scars will always be there, but the scars are as faded as the memories. I can't let marks on my skin detract from the power that I feel building inside of me, the calm strength that comes from living a balanced life. There are still many pitfalls, though. Don't let the optimistic tone of this post fool you; I am very much still fighting the desire to binge and purge on a daily basis.

Having those feelings is maddening, and still causes me a great deal of shame. I hide from family and friends because of how I see myself. The shame of being diseased this way locks you up and freezes you in place. I still get into situations where I am terrified of eating because, what if I can't stop? What if I have to run to the bathroom and purge and/or gobble up laxatives like candy? And, on the anorexic side of things, I do get hungry on the food plan I have assigned myself and get into troubled thinking. If I am hungry eating all these calories, why not skip most of the calories, just be hungry and lose weight faster? But I have finally learned that is not a way to live, and that it is extremely unhealthy. Anorexia is so very seductive in its promises of quick weight loss with a waif-like, bone-thin body. I truly wanted that for a long, long time. Now I want a fit, healthy body. I want to radiate confidence, peace, and strength. The tormented path of bulimia or anorexia will never get me there.

It is hard to try to do this on my own. I can't let myself slide into a self-control mindset, so I am very much trying to follow guidelines I learned in eating disorder treatment. Mindfulness is the key to staying on a healthy path; being aware and open to the needs of my body.

I have a silly idea or goal as a reward for my hard work. The next time Bryan and I go to Mentone, I want us to both be in such good shape that we can complete one of the difficult hikes down into Little River Canyon. We've taken plenty of awesome pictures from the top, but it would amazing to get the perspective from the canyon bottom. I don't think I am dreaming too big there. I think it would be fun! Probably ought to run this by him first, though! :-)

Totally confused!

"Sometimes I'm confused by what I think is really obvious. But what I think is really obvious obviously isn't obvious..."

- Michael Stipe

Maybe I am thinking too much about my whole approach to a healthy lifestyle. Maybe I just need to back off and look at the big picture to figure out what to do. But I have this feeling that nothing will be so simple for me on this front.

Having an eating disorder for as long as I have has crippled me in some very critical areas. Things that average people do without even thinking about it, like eating healthily and exercising normally, are complex issues for me without even adding in the whole purging/starving aspect of my life. It is not that I don't know a lot about food, nutrition, and exercise; it is simply that I cannot connect that knowledge with actual practice in my life. So, I am left thinking about it, examining it from all angles, thinking about it some more and still getting nowhere. Maybe I am fearful of the structure that would become a part of my life as a result of changing. Maybe I am scared of the change altogether. But I do not feel the fear, if it is there. Perhaps my inability to put the changes into practice makes the fear irrelevant, and thus is does not show itself.

This may seem really stupid to most people, but there are so many ways I can fail if I don't do this correctly. I mean, how hard can it be, right? Follow a meal plan, follow an exercise plan, boom, you're good to go. This is where it gets sticky for me. If I have a meal plan, for 1200 calories (which is huge, ugh), and deviate from that meal plan at all, like one grape more than I was supposed to have, then I feel like a failure and have to take action to make up for that extra grape. Or, let's say I wake up with a headache or PMS or whatever and don't feel like exercising. I will have screwed up, and feel like what's the use of trying when you can't follow the plan? Worse than either of those scenarios is that monitoring what I eat fucks with my head and twists me back into cutting more and more calories away until I am eating next to nothing each day. After all, a well-intentioned diet last summer was what swiftly kicked me into anorexia mode again.

I am very "all or nothing" about this, and I know that to be successful in fighting my disorder I have to have some flexibility. Perfectionism can be evil and deadly. It interferes with many aspects of my life, not just this. I just don't know what to do about any of my current problems, and am trapped in limbo until I pull myself out of it. I have accomplished so much in the past by overcoming dangerous behaviors without assistance, so I am (shakily) confident that I can do this, too. I am just full of questions and doubts and am not finding the reassurance I need in readily available solutions. 

 

I guess this isn't supposed to be easy, but dammit I wish just one thing in my life could be easy for a change. I am so fucking tired of fighting things off all the time. Does everything have to be difficult? Enough bitching...

 

Maybe I should see a nutritionist or something? I don't know.

Anyways, this is a shitty post. I slept poorly, and am feeling a little defeated today, so I beg your pardon.

"Don't be trapped by dogma"

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

-Steve Jobs, 2005 Standford University commencement address

This one is for you, frequent reader from California, so read closely.

I am unapologetically me. Whatever I have done in the past, whatever I do in the future, I claim as my own. I have made mistakes, scores of them. But I do not resent them or regret them anymore. Everything that has happened had a purpose or a lesson behind it. It may have taken several lessons for me to finally catch on, but once I did, I changed for the better.

An example of a lesson that took several attempts to learn was to value my life. I am still struggling with it, still struggling with the occasional suicidal impulse. For the most part, however, I do value my life. I have been told that my suicide attempts were "wasting other people's time" and after much thought, I feel negatively about that statement. It was made with offhand ignorance, and I resent it deeply. It is the sort of ignorance that comes strictly through unfamiliarity. We don't really know each other, you see. We haven't had any semblance of a normal relationship for years. Just so you know, the last suicide attempt was extremely serious and this is not just according to me, but to my doctors as well. I overdosed on a month's worth of three different medications. I would have died without intervention, no doubt about it. I did it because I had been discharged from ACED and felt like there would be no end to my eating disorder or my self-injury. There was no way out except through death. I wasn't screaming for attention, wasn't a self-destructive baby pitching a tantrum; I wanted to fucking die and sink into the peaceful, unconscious state of death. So, don't tell me that I am "wasting" someone's time. That kind of negativity feeds into my now diminishing opinion that I have no value, that my problems aren't that serious, and that I can just pull it together and be normal (whatever that is).

What I can do is become the person I want to be. I want to be a wife and mother, a partner and friend. I want balance, love, and peace in my life. I will, without wavering, begin to cut out the negative parts of my life that remain.

I am not a disappointment. I may not have degrees or "success" that can be boasted about over cocktails, but I know this much: I am a survivor. There is no disappointment in that. That is something which, with my set of circumstances, should be lauded. I have survived through a horrible childhood filled with violence, and one creepy encounter with a janitor. I have scrambled through adolescence with mental illness beginning to show itself. I have been addicted and have gotten clean and sober. I have lived through two abusive relationships. I have survived, despite my hardest efforts, all the self-destructive behaviors that landed me in the hospital over twenty times. So, I may not be a doctor or a lawyer or professor, but I am a survivor and that is what counts to me. And, for those who are nurturing around me, that is what counts to them, too; I am still here.

I invite you to share in that opinion with me. If not, c'est la vie. We can go our separate ways with no hard feelings and no regrets. Any resentment toward the comments you made to me (while I was in the hospital after nearly killing myself last year) will be released through the therapeutic measures I have adopted recently.

Out of respect for your current position, I will not link our names. Who would want to be linked to a "failure" born from the past, right? Right.

You may contact me through e-mail, so I can gauge my response, though I do not expect it (I know you are busy). Until I heal somewhat (the words still sting, you see, because on some level I do care what you think) I think it is best that we not speak over the phone.

<3 <3

Time to change

"My mama told me when I was hatched
Act like a superstar
Save your allowance, buy a bubble dress
And someday you will go far
Now on red carpets, well, I'm hard to miss
The press follows everywhere I go
I'll poke your eye out with a dress like this
Back off and enjoy the show!

I'm sure my critics will say it's a grotesque display
Well, they can bite me, baby -- I perform this way
I might be wearin' Swiss cheese or maybe covered with bees
It doesn't mean I'm crazy -- I perform this way

Ooo, my little monsters pay... lots 'cause I perform this way
Baby, I perform this way
Ooo, don't worry, I'm okay... hey, I just perform this way
I'm not crazy, I perform this way

I'll be a troll or evil queen
I'll be a human jelly bean
'Cause every day is Halloween
For me...

I'm so completely original
My new look is all the rage
I'll wrap my small intestines 'round my neck
And set fire to myself on stage
I'll wear a porcupine on my head
On a W-H-I-M
And for no reason now I'll sing in French
Excusez-moi, Qui a pété? (Who cut the cheese?)

Got my straight jacket today, it's made of gold lamé
No, not because I'm crazy - I perform this way
I strap prime rib to my feet, cover myself with raw meat
I'll bet you've never seen a skirt steak worn this way

Don't be offended when you see
My latest pop monstrosity
I'm strange, weird, shocking, odd, bizarre
I'm Frankenstein, I'm Avatar
There's nothing too embarrassing
I'll honestly do anything
But wear white after Labor Day
'Cause baby, I perform this way

Hope you won't think it's cliché if I go nude today
Don't call the cops now, baby, I perform this way
No reason I should regret all the attention I get
I'm not completely crazy, I perform this way, yeah

I perform this way-hey, I perform this way-hey
I'm always deviating from the norm this way-hey
I perform this way-hey, I perform this way-hey
I'm really not insane -- I just perform this way-hey"
- Weird Al Yankovic "Perform This Way" (parody of "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga)

Some amusing lyrics for a change. If you haven't seen the video, I highly recommend it. It is hilarious!

I have implemented a few changes since my last post, and they have all been good for me, so far. The first thing is that I have started practicing yoga on a daily basis. I used to dismiss yoga as a form of exercise, but not now. It has thoroughly whipped me on a couple of days. My muscles feel worked and stretched, but I am not exhausted after doing it. I feel calmer and more focused after practice. I am still working on my balance (it is terrible) and my flexibility in my back and both are improving. I have to make a commitment, difficult as that is for me, to practice every day if I can. I am using DVDs, unlike my experience with yoga at ACED with an instructor and a "class" of girls who could do full-body inversions on their heads and stand in a balance pose for several minutes without wobbling at all. It is much less intimidating to practice alone though it is troublesome that I do not have someone helping me with the form of my poses. Perhaps at some point down the road I will join a class once I move, but for now practicing at home has had wonderful rewards for me both physically and mentally.

I am also cutting back on the diet soda I drink and my sugar intake. The diet soda has not been so hard, but the sugar has been a challenge. I don't crave it the way I once did, say, alcohol, but it has been a part of my daily life for quite some time and it needs to stop. I have been asked a couple of times recently by different people about my eating habits. As much as I appreciate their concern, or their wanting me to be super-skinny again, I cannot begin to focus solely on food again. I cannot have my full attention drawn to that. If I do, I will plunge headfirst into anorexic behaviors again. I am seeking balance. This is a journey I must make alone, or at most with girls on the Something Fishy support forum. As long as I treat my body with respect, the right body ("Happy Weight" and all) will show up.

In this time of clarity, even as I have gained some weight back from my period of anorexic behaviors, I know that I am not fat. I am not at my ideal weight, but I am not fat. I am not unacceptable to society. I may be unacceptable to some of my image-focused (and small-minded) relatives, but I don't give a shit. Part of my new healthy outlook is to avoid negativity, and keep my mind free of negative thinking (and people). It is easy to avoid these things, and I find that my life is much fuller without them, not to mention much less stressful.

Basically, what you are seeing here, is my attempt at eating disorder rehabilitation. There is not a universe in which I would be able to afford actual treatment, so I must do it myself. My attitude toward food, eating and my body has not been normal since high school, when I first stuck my finger down my throat and did some of my first fasting. It is time to change all of that. I may pull out some of my old ACED materials and read through the small amount of wisdom that was offered to me there.

The most important aspect of this process is that I must begin to be true to myself, and listen to my heart and body as guidance for healthy decisions. I anticipate great rewards for my efforts. I am very hopeful.

Respecting myself

"It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M
Just put your paws up
'cause you were born this way, baby

My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir

"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are"
She said, "'Cause he made you perfect, babe"
"So hold your head up girl and you'll go far,
Listen to me when I say"

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
Baby I was born this way
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't be a drag ‒ just be a queen
Don't be!

Give yourself prudence
And love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice your truth
In the religion of the insecure
I must be myself, respect my youth

A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M (Hey hey hey)
I love my life I love this record and
Mi amore vole fe yah (Love needs faith)

Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're Lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied, or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'cause baby you were born this way

No matter gay, straight, or bi,
Lesbian, transgendered life,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to survive.
No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to be brave.

I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way hey!

Same DNA, but born this way.
Same DNA, but born this way."
- Lady Gaga "Born This Way"

I am grateful that I discovered this song yesterday. At first, because of the video, I didn't give it a chance because it was so bizarre. After listening to it alone, I loved it. I am grateful because after the fight with my mother yesterday, I was filled with my usual self-loathing. She had picked on my weight, naturally, because she loves the low blows that cripple me emotionally. After feeling like shit for most of the day, I found "Born This Way" and my feelings began to change.

I accepted and understood, not just heard, the message. I should not be ashamed of who I am, nor should I regret my past. I should respect myself and, yes, even love myself for who I am because I was born this way. Sure, it is not fortunate that I was born into a turbulent marriage, predisposed to mental illness and addiction, but should I be apologetic and embarrassed by any of these things? Should I hate my body covered with scars? No, I should not. It will take some time, but I will start trying to accept and love myself. I will start respecting my body, myself, and my life. I have taken so much for granted in the past, and it is time to change that.

This song empowers me. It gave me the thought that I can stand up to my mother, and to anyone else who criticizes my mistakes or feels disappointed in me. I will try my hardest to not lash out, but instead look within and draw from a wellspring of confidence that will give me the strength to stand tall and take it. I will be able to realize that I know better than any naysayer and disregard any negativity.

As someone who specializes in the pastime of self-loathing, this will be a journey. I am not deterred. I feel like it has been a long time coming. You can only take so much before you ultimately destroy yourself or survive the hate and emerge a new person.

No doubt the eating disorder is still an issue. Once I achieve my projected healthy weight, I will maintain it, and not keep obsessing. I know that I will always have to be vigilant about exercise and diet but I will try to incorporate it into a healthy lifestyle and not let it rule my life. I need to be the one in control, not Ronina, not my mother, no one.

Now, I may not be posting as frequently, but wish me luck. I am in for some exciting self-exploration and I am energized!